Sunday, November 27, 2011

Family of Three?

I debated if I should write this post or not, but given that this blog was intended as a journal of my thoughts and experiences as they relate to parenthood (and other important things like food ;), it stands to reason that leaving this out would kind of defeat the purpose.

This past week, after an appointment with a specialist who my family doctor referred me to, I found out that I have “premature ovarian failure”. I knew that something was wrong since I haven’t had a regular monthly cycle for over 9 months, and had also been experiencing “hot flashes” for the last 6 months. So while I wasn’t entirely surprised by this information, it has been a little hard to actually process.

If you know me, you will know that my husband and I been all over the “should-we-have-kids” or “how-many-kids” spectrum. We decided that our lives would be richer by having a child, and found out we were right after our little girl was born. However, we both agreed that one was enough! Seriously, this is a lot of work we thought, and didn’t really see how we could “handle” another child. But as our little girl started growing up, we really wanted her to have a sibling, and frankly, I just wasn’t sure that I was “done” with the miracle of baby-making.

So, how ironic, that when we finally decided to start “trying” again, that we would run into this rather large roadblock. Maybe we are only meant to have one. Maybe I’m meant to adopt like I always thought I would like to. Maybe we’ll be part of the 5% that is lucky and can conceive again without having a donor egg, which is how I am told that I can get pregnant again.

Needless to say, I have spent a fair amount of time thinking about this and how it affects our lives in the short and long term. One emotion which I was almost surprised to feel was relief. Yes, there was a part of me that felt relieved…I’ve always felt that as my daughter gets older that things get a little easier. If we only have one child, it's far easier to balance work and home (something I already struggle with a bit with one child), there's no crazy coordination of our kids activites, no more than one child sick at a time, there is more money available for "fun" trips and experiences, and less general chaos. (Both my husband and I enjoy order and calm in the house). There are also no more late night feedings, diapers, toddler tantrums, etc., etc.

Relief however, was not the only emotion. I also feel sad to think that I may not ever have another baby of my own again, and that my daughter may never know how wonderful it is to have a sibling. And as much work and chaos children can bring to your life, they also bring such joy, laughter, and love to your life. I just don’t know how “hard” to fight this…what plan of action to take from here. Do I talk to the fertility clinic? Do I get the ball rolling on adoption? Do I try alternative therapies such as acupuncture that have apparently worked for others? Do I do nothing and just let things happen? I’m not quite sure to be honest.

In any case, what is meant to be will be. And in the end, that will be the right thing for me, my husband and my daughter – our little family....Our little family of three, which is open to becoming larger. Just “putting that out there”. J

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