“Trying to fit in is when you hustle for
your worthiness”. That description comes from one of my favorite podcast people,
Koren Motekaitis. Her station (is that what it’s called? I am relatively new to
podcasts) is called How She Really Does It (http://howshereallydoesit.com).
The idea of “hustling” for worthiness really
intrigued me – I had never thought of it that way. But it occurred to me that I
have done it! It’s what people pleasers do! Hustling is defined as: to push or
force one’s way; to pressure or coerce; to beg; and to sell aggressively.[1]
Simply, it’s putting in significant effort (mostly external) to feel worthy or
to try to convince others of your worthiness, instead of just accepting that
you are. Already.
Of course this doesn’t mean we should stop
working on ourselves or stop setting and achieving goals. It just means that when
you come from a place of feeling like worthiness is external; that it’s based
upon something you have achieved or some other material possession, then the pursuit
for it can really be never ending. It might mean MORE of something you think
you don’t have enough of (money, friends, etc.); it could be a position, title,
or career advancement; or it could even be that your worthiness pursuit is tied
into how you look (a certain weight or other physical characteristic).
I will give you some examples: I always
thought that having a degree would make me feel worthy. But as proud of myself
as I was for earning that degree, it didn’t make me feel worthy at all. In
fact, it made me think that I needed another more ‘useful’ degree, or maybe
even a Masters. Having a Masters would surely make me feel worthy, wouldn’t it?
;) After all, people would really think I was smart.
Feeling worthy for me has also meant being
a certain weight. It seemed to me that skinny women were more worthy somehow.
In my mind they had mastered the art of self discipline (or something – good
genes?) and their success in the weight department must somehow equate to greater
worthiness, right? How silly. I know that now.
There are a ton of other examples I could
give you but suffice to say that if you are looking for your worthiness in
extrinsic areas, you’re not likely to find it. And I think I finally get that. I really want to try
to teach this to my daughter so that she gets it a lot sooner than I got it. I
think it would make her journey through life a lot easier.
As a mom, it’s really a catch 22 - you want
your child to fit in; be normal. But you also want them to have incredible self
esteem and not give a shit about what anyone thinks about. It’s tricky isn’t
it? It’s hard for a parent to watch their child go through all these messy
things.
I will leave you with one HUGE nugget of
wisdom from this particular podcast. Susan Hyatt (https://shyatt.com)
was the guest host and she said something that I think we ALL need to hear.
Reguarly:
You can’t POSSIBLY behave in a way that’s going to
keep everybody happy. It’s just not going to work.
And with that, I hope you feel free to just
be you.
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